![]() I told the interviewers that I wanted to be an elf because it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard of. You're an elf." In order to become an elf, I filled out 10 pages worth of forms, took a multiple choice personality test, underwent two interviews, and submitted urine for a drug test.ĭuring the second interview, we were asked why we wanted to be elves, which, when you think about it, is a fairly tough question. This afternoon, I sat in the eighth floor SantaLand office, and was told, "Congratulations, Mr. Even worse is the very real possibility that I will not be hired, that I couldn't even find work as an elf. Instead, someone will say, "What's that shoe size again?" and hand me a pair of seven and a half slippers, the toes of which curl to a point. And Victoria Buchanan would lay her hand over mine and tell me that I'd better get used to being the center of the attention.īut instead, I'm applying for a job as an elf. People at the surrounding tables would stare at us, whispering, "Isn't that? Isn't that?" I might be distracted by their enthusiasm. We'd sit in a plush booth at a Tony Cocktail Lounge and they'd lift their frosty glasses in my direction and say, "A toast to David Sedaris, the best writer this show ever had." I'd say, "You guys, cut it out." In my imagination, I went out for drinks with Cord Roberts and Victoria Buchanan, the show's biggest stars. In my imagination, I went straight from Penn Station to the offices of One Life to Live. I have to admit that I had high hopes when moving to New York. ![]() It won't be quite as sad as being some big French fry out on a street corner. We'll live in a fluffy wonderland, surrounded by candy canes and gingerbread shacks. I'll be in Santa's Village with all the other elves. I figure that at least as an elf I will have a place. Hot dogs, tacos, video cameras, these things make me sad because there's no place for them, no community. This afternoon on Lexington Avenue, I accepted a leaflet from a man dressed as a camcorder. So if there is a costume involved, I tend to not only accept the leaflet, but to accept it graciously, saying, "thank you so much," and thinking, "you poor son of a bitch." I usually avoid leaflets, but it breaks my heart to see a grown man dressed as a taco. I often see people in the streets dressed as objects and handing out leaflets. I am a 33-year-old man applying for a job as an elf. The woman at Macy's asked, "Would you be interested in full-time elf or evening and weekend elf?" I said, "Full-time elf." And he dared me to call for an interview. Working as an elf in Macy's SantaLand means being at the center of the excitement." I brought the ad home and my roommate, Rusty, and I were laughing about it. I was in a coffee shop reading the want-ads when I saw, "Macy's Herald Square, the largest store in the world, has big opportunities for outgoing, fun-loving people of all shapes and sizes.
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